I Am the Very Model of a Modern Surgeon General                                                                              John A. La Pietra

Just about as written in 1998. You might guess that from who’s mentioned here. (Including John Engler

may clue some folks in to the fact that I lived, and live, in Michigan.) You might also be able to guess the

age of the piece from what isn’t mentioned as modern technology. Whether you guessed or not, enjoy!

I am the very model of a modern Surgeon General –

I’ve information on each vital vitamin and mineral;

       I know the terms of science and I cite procedures medical

       (I have to list abortion first in order alphabetical);

I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters vet’rinarian;

Belong to 4-H, FFA, and yet I’m a Rotarian;

       About the problems of our youth I’m teeming with a lot of news . . .

       With many tearful figures on the rate of teen-age condom use.

              (Chorus: “With many,” etc. x3)

I’m very good at fighting off bacteria and viruses,

And speaking to the CDC by faxes, phones, or wirelesses:

       In short, to eyes of Senators conservative and liberal,

       I am the very model of a modern Surgeon General.

              (Chorus: “In short,” etc.)

I know my medic’s folklore (from my days at the Academy),

And things about the body that are not in Gray’s Anatomy;

       I quote from Nurembergia the crimes of Dr. Mengele;

       I know who tends to overweight, like Clinton and John Engeler!

I can tell colonic X-ray shots from CAT scans of a lot o’ rope;

I know the themes from ER, M*A*S*H, St. Elsewhere, and Chicago Hope!

       And I can touch on touchy fields that give the world a pack o’ grief . . .

       Like all the fields still growing that unhappy crop, tobacco leaf!

              (Chorus: “Like all,” etc. x3)

Then I can write prescriptions so your druggist couldn’t read a line,

And tell you how to pick a calf to start a better breeder line:

       In short, to eyes of Senators conservative and liberal,

       I am the very model of a modern Surgeon General.

              (Chorus: “In short,” etc.)

In fact, when I know why beer makes one quite as tight as bubbly can;

When I can tell at sight a Democrat from a Republican;

       When I can lay all questions of where social ills begin to rest,

       And when I know exactly what is meant by “special interest”;

When I have learnt what uninsured gay mates who want to marry do;

When I know more of health care plans than both Louise and Harry do,

       You’ll say, as Surgeon General this nominee’s a winnah, for . . .

       I always look so fetching in my new HMO pinafore!

              (Chorus: “He/she always looks,” etc. x3)

Now, my politicking, lobbying, and Beltway educa-a-tion

Is only up-to-date as of the Ford administra-a-tion,

       But still, to eyes of Senators conservative and liberal,

       I am the very model of a modern Surgeon General.

              (Chorus: “But still,” etc.)                                                                                 posted 1/25/09            back to jalp’s home page